Lessons...

~What Ive learned over the last couple of years...~



1. Take each day at a time, otherwise you feel overwhelmed.


2. Appreciate all blessings, no matter how small they seem.


3. Find the lesson to be learned in every experience and relish it whether good or bad.


4. And finally, if you cant payback(and maybe even if you can)...ALWAYS pay it forward!

October Into November Thoughts and Doings

So, November is upon us and with it comes wintertime. In Vegas it would be chillier but no snow or leaves really changing colors and all that fun stuff fall/winter bring with it.

However, we arent in Vegas anymore.

Very end of September we made our move to northern Utah. It was a horrible, horrible move ending in my van breaking down an hour outside our destination and having to swap vehicles onto the moving van trailer on the freeway during rush hour. Got to our new place at around 9p and by 8a the next morning our neighbors were already annoying us with whines of needing us to move this vehicle or that vehicle...even tho there is no assigned parking and we just got there the evening before. What a lovely start to a new place.

Took about 2 wks to get my husband to chill out he was so mad at everything and everyone it was very unpleasant. On the bright side Im now near friends and family and have enjoyed having them close and caring.

Dans seen his new primary doctor and so far, she's very cool. Yup...a girl doctor! LOL
He sees his new oncologist on the 29th so we still have a bit before knowing what that will produce.

Its been very hard with a neighbor who demanded respect from us the second day we were here but has loud arguments and door slamming and wall banging at hours after 10p(her favorite hour seems to be around 1am for all of this). I swear the lady and her kin dont seem to know how NOT to slam a door so thats made for some bad feelings. We just report the over the top stuff to the apartment manager(who is my friend LOL) and let her note it. Dans been in a pickle of a mood the majority of our time here thus far and only cares about his stupid car. I HATE his car and he's spending all our money on getting it prepped to register this month.
Money is super tight cuz we moved which washed all our extras out so it sucks and he just doesnt seem to care. He's treated me poorly too which hurts and irks. I think so often of what would happen if I leave and I have so many who say I should or wonder how I can put up with it.

This is my reply:
What keeps me here is the knowledge that what is going on now with Dan is not who he truly is. Its a combo of meds, fear, pain, anger,etc. I know who he truly is as a person and the man I love. That gives me hope and helps me enjoy the times that man reappears. If I leave him, even tho I think about it often, the real him would not exist anymore and he'd give in even more to the rottenness and let his vengeful side take over. I stay because of those brief moments that I see my true husband, my true Love and because I know that at the end of it all...when he's gone, I can move forward knowing all that could be done was done and I was strong enough to stick out the ugly times and the peace will come.



Its been nice being here despite the down spots because the feeling in the air is different, its calmer and we've all felt it and enjoyed it. We have all loved watching real Fall and now Winter and my boys are ecstatic about snow. It will be fun watching their wonder in it all.

Oh there was one bright spot to the hell that was our move(did I mention the moving van broke down right after we started out too so we had to go swap all our stuff into a new one and that was the beginning of our horrid journey)....when I had to get the two youngest boys out of the family van we were on the roadside. They noticed a v-pattern of birds flying past them in the air and noted that it was a ton of birds. They also were curious why so many and why flying in such an odd way. So, for the first time ever, I got to explain the migration of birds during cold weather and they were in such awe of that AND that they got to see a sky full of stars. They absolutely loved it and I loved watching the wonder and awe in their faces as they watched the birds and the twinkling stars.

So thats our update!

September Updates

Well, another month is upon us. They certainly go flying right by anymore dont they? My mother warned me that after high school the years fly and you are a grandma before you know it and she was right(except Im nowhere near grandma status yet LOL).

Lets see, updates....

*My oldest son(7) was having blood in his stool and we did tests but showed no infections or the like. However, they felt a scope might show things that regular lab tests couldnt. However, we are uninsured and it would be a nightmare bill that we'd never be able to pay if we did that. We took the strong antibiotics and the "cut out dairy" suggestions and they seem to have helped. He still has a bit of blood but I think thats mostly from straining cuz he tries to push the gas out(he's gassy too LOL) and that tears and causes issues. When Ive been able to convince him not to strain but relax and let his body do its thing he hasnt had any blood when wiping or droplets in the tank. If only he'd listen more often.
So there is progress there and we'll just keep doing as we are unless it gets worse again then we'll to the pediatric ER and pray they dont charge us anything cuz of circumstances.

*Dan and his doctor had a heart to heart at his last appointment(last week) and decided no more treatments. Dans blood marrow cannot tolerate anymore without destroying whats left and he wont do that. He wont do something that will knowingly put him into the hospital and break down his body faster than the cancer itself would do. His doctor said sometimes doing something is worse than doing nothing so he agreed with Dan.

*Dan got a new PCP(primary care physician) and met him yesterday. Said he was a nice guy and on the ball. We found out, like we thought, his old PCP had passed away from his cancer battle. That spooked Dan a bit and made us sad, he was a nice guy.
The new PCP found a problem with Dans lungs. When he listened and had Dan do some sound "tests" he heard the bottom part of Dans lungs not operating as they should be so he wants an xray done asap(Tuesday morning first thing since Monday is a holiday) to see whats going on there. Hopefully it wont put him into the hospital...whatever it is. So add that to the list of things Dans worried about. He isnt feeling so hot lately as is and now I wonder if this is why...pneumonia or the like. Gad I hope not!!!

*We found a new place to live in Utah and will be moving at the end of the month. We are excited for the change and to live in a place we think the boys will enjoy. It wont be perfect but it will have 4 seasons to enjoy and we feel its a calmer place to raise the boys in. PLUS, its where Im from originally so I have most of my family and many friends still around and close by so Ill have a good support structure in place for when Dans time is up.

So there is the update...wish us luck on the move cuz we'll need it(moving sucks!!).

Ttfn...

Into August We Go...

Nothing massively new to report.
Around the 24th we'll be going to Utah to look for a home to rent and in September(hopefully the second week)we will move up that way and be done with Vegas and Nevada once and for all!!!!

My husbands doctors still dont know what they are doing and so moving to an area with new doctors and new eyes looking at his situation will be nice too.

His doctor keeps saying "ohhh well Ill study up on some meds and see which will be better" but never does. He doesnt even remember Dan from appt to appt. Anywho, Dans not had chemo since the end of June and the pill thing wasnt gonna do it and Dan worried about taking it and all that so its a no go.
Now the doctor says there is some other chemo meds, begins with a K dont recall the full name tho LOL, that they can try on the 22nd. However, it too is a marrow surpressant which means he'll go through the same damn thing he was with the other meds...lowered platelet counts and permanent damage done to it(already is some)and so chemo cant be administered as often as they'd like.

What good is it gonna do my husband to go back on a chemo drug he wont be able to have when scheduled cuz of low and damaged platelets???? Stupid, stupid doctors. Dan wont do it, he's already made up his mind he wont try that drug because he refuses to further damage his marrow. I dont blame him, honestly at this point Id not do anymore meds....none have worked to shrink the tumors really and all they've done is ruin his marrow and his spleen has been enlarged and permanently damaged in that respect(cuz they cant fix the spleen issue).

So that is where we are now. Getting ready to look for a home and move out of this place that none of us want to stay in and start fresh and new.

Quick Update

So I havent really said much since the 4th. So Ill make this quick update...

My husbands "brother" is now finally seeing his daughter thanks to my husband and I footing his legal bill so he could serve his ex and now she's sucking up to him a lot cuz she realizes she screwed up and could lose all custody of the daughter if this goes to court.
This just adds to the mell of a hess in my small place. She's quiet and relatively shy but still the same spoiled, treated like a fragile baby as she was when I first knew her. Only worse this time cuz she didnt get to see her daddy for a long while and so she's treated as even more delicate for the horror she's endured(insert eye roll). She's also a picky eater so now we have to foot a more expensive food bill to make sure there are a few things here she'll eat. Yes, I will use it all for my family if needbe but its still mostly to make sure she eats at dinner time.
Yes, Im a bit angry about it all but dont get a choice so I suck it up just like I do everything else concerning this aspect of our world.

My 7 yr old lost another tooth yesterday. That makes 2 upper teeth lost in about 2 weeks. He looks soooo cute missing those top teeth!
My 5 yr old wont potty train, he's content doing his business in diapers...guess he wont ever play a sport or take dance or go to school. Gad I wish I could get through to him.
My 3 1/2 yr old is doing excellently with potty training. He's day trained just working on the nap/night stuff.

My husband had to see a surgeon about his knee. The ortho had him get an MRI of it and it was labeled 'STAT' but when we saw the surgeon the MRI pic hadnt been sent to him only the short report which stated they saw some arthritis. So now we call next week and they call the Imaging place and then the surgeon will call if he sees other stuff in there causing the pain and will call my hubby with a plan of action.

Now we have Obama threatening vets and elderly and others on social security(that would be us)about this debt ceiling crapola. So thats added an extra fear into our hearts that wasnt necessary. Im not worried, the politicians are greedy, power mad fools but they dont want millions on their doorsteps over this and it will happen if they hold back social security from all the folks who need it to survive. Dear hubby is worried even tho he logically realizes it will be fine it still freaks him out.

Im very tired....Im slowly falling apart I can feel it but Im holding on with all I can cuz one of us in this house needs to keep it together and its gonna be me since the other adults have already lost it.

Next week is hubbys next oncology appointment so hopefully his numbers are good and we can make a new game plan for treatment cuz the pill they gave him is soooo not worth taking. It makes ya bleed and stuff and just was no good so we need to try another something or other.

Next month is searching for a new home in Utah where we want to move and raise our family. Wish us luck!!

ttfn...

Happy 4th!!

I just hope you all have a marvelous Independance day celebration. Be safe, travel well, and enjoy!!!!

READ the Labels Please Before Prescribing...

So we finally got Dans new meds in the mail yesterday. The literature we were given in the doctors office was soooo much propaganda and didnt even cover 1/2 of what can go down with this medicine.


The literature we were given said there was like a 45% increase in those who stayed alive after a year by taking this pill. The actual insert with instructions and side effects and ingredients and all that....5% of those who took this lived past a year. Ummm what kind of odds are those????????????????


And Dans cancer is small cell, this pill is for NON small cell. So um would it even work at all? Plus he has an enlarged spleen so he must be cautious to not cause trauma to that area or bleeding and all that....this stuff has a high chance of causing internal bleeding(particularly in the stomach area). Ummmm not a good idea to even risk it with a man who has the issues he does, wouldnt ya think anyway?


So he says he wont take it. He will call the oncology nurses on Monday and see what they have to say(he trusts them over all the doctors in that clinic even his new one). I know that for now he wont take them but he may change his mind after speaking to them...we shall see. I dont want him taking stuff that he's uncomfy with and has all these serious side effects that we certainly dont wanna risk...kwim?


We see his oncologist again on the 29th, see what happens then. All I know is that I cant wait to move out of this state cuz perhaps we'll be lucky to get a set of doctors that will have more to say or more to pull out of their hats then what these guys have done. There has got to be something to help kill this crap that wont kill his platelets too.


*sigh*


Tomorrows Fathers Day and he never wants me to do anything for him yet I always have(probably guilt over him never doing anything for me for Mothers day). I wont feel guilty over not having our kids thank him for being a good daddy and all that. Plus, this year was the first year one of our kids(our 7 yr old)actually asked to get him something...not gonna say no to that. So I made sure to get him this really nice blue tie and a card from the boys and one from me. I like letting him know how I feel about him from time to time so this provides an opportunity for that as well.


I hope everyone who reads this has a nice and calm Fathers Day celebrating those men in our lives who helped create us, helped raise us, and who helped us create life.

Potato Salad

Have you ever noticed potato salad tastes better after its been in the fridge for a couple of days?

I think thats a lot like life decisions...sometimes they "taste" better after sitting for a couple of days and not being "eaten" immediately.

Just a thought, that is all....

My Goddess...

Im speaking of Lakshmi, my matroness. This is where Id post a picture if my husband hadnt have done something to our computer and now I cant get photobucket or the like to let me do so LOL.

She is the Hindu goddess of wealth, prosperity, good fortune, generosity, courage and so on. She's believed to be the embodiment of grace and beauty as well and she protects her followers from misery and money-related icks. She is Vishnu's consort/wife and is known as a source of strength to many as well as, its said, she is the embodiment of love by which you can reach God(Vishnu).
She is also closely associated with the lotus flower(which is beautiful btw) which symbolizes purity of mind, body, soul.

I have her statue on my altar and every morning I see her smile and it makes me feel a titch better. Im not the greatest at honoring her daily as I should. I want to do a simple daily devotion when I get up I just forget and then my boys wake up and all hell breaks loose cuz they dont know the meaning of quiet or whispering(Im sure all my parent buddies know what I mean).

When I first started my journey I didnt have a matroness or patron deity, I just spoke and did rituals and such in a general sense. I had it in the back of my head that if I was to have a main deity that they'd let me know in time.

I meditated a couple of times about it and just always had it there in the back of my mind, simmering I suppose you could say.

I kind of expected my deity to be from the Greek or Egyptian pantheons because those are cultures Ive long been interested and intrigued by. But no, I was meant to learn more about Hinduism and apply it to my life as part of my spirituality.

This is how she made herself known to me:

Remember, I said I had meditated and asked for signs and such when it came to who I was connected with and always had that in the back of my head. So I kept my radars out and went on with life. One day my husband had on an old Kolchak show and one of the scenes had the bad guy running in front of a restaurant...it was called Lakshmi. I thought it was odd but it hummed in my head so I looked up what that word meant. It was at this point it sort of stuck in my head and I began seeing her name everywhere, it was the weirdest thing. Id be flipping a page in a newspaper and her name would be there, it would be heard on the tv for no real reason...she wasnt even the main topic but her name was there somehow.

I knew in my soul and heart it was her calling to me, telling me we were connected and I needed to learn more and that she'd be here for me.

I realize that might sound odd to some or silly to others but there is no denying what I felt deep within my soul.
Funny thing is she is the Goddess of fortune and wealth and at the time we were searching for new work and such and so another connection was found as to why she came into my world. Even now she fits into our home with all thats going on in it. I just need to do better at giving her some honor in my daily life and strengthening our connection and that spark of Divinity that lies within myself.

So anywho...that is my Goddess and the story of how she came into my life. I never had a strong connection to a God until last year when I realized it just made sense to honor her consort, Vishnu, as my God. Why seperate them? kwim...and the more I thought that way the stronger the "thats right" feeling was. So one day soon I hope to get the matching statue of him to place next to her on our altar.


ttfn...

New Siggy...

Does this siggy work for everyone or does it need a redo??

No More Chemo

My husbands platelets are just not recovering after his chemo sessions like they should. Noone wants to risk his marrow collapsing completely and all that that would mean. So we had new CT scans done last week and today the doctor sent in a prescription(probably get it in a week)for a new experimental pill that is designed to prolong life.

This means we are in the end run, hopefully we can get several years out of this drug but who knows. Either way we will stay positive, hope the side effects are minimal and take things a day at a time.

The pill can damage the liver(thats where the cancer is mainly) and thyroid(so now he'll have to have that checked every 3 months). Plus other icky side effects. We shall see how it goes and do like always...take it a day at a time!

His CT scans showed that the tumors in his liver and lungs hadnt really done much changing(except in the hylar region and they shrunk a bit but were still seeable and such). However, his spleen has grown again by 3 cm's!! Not one bloomin' thing they can do either cuz they said it wont rupture without trauma to it(not sure I buy that). So we just have to make sure he isnt doing stuff that will whack that area hard.

He's so tired anymore, I feel bad cuz I cant help him and he isnt sure why he's so tired either. *sigh*

On the bright side, we got the car registration renewed today and didnt spend but around an hour in the DMV!!!!!!!

ttfn...

~HILLARIE~

And Now He's Five!

He went from this(a week old):


To this(age 5):


All that in just 5 short years. He is my second born, Av.

He is sweet, kind, and lazy. Its an interesting combination but it works for him. He who is on his own timeline and always has been.
He rolled over, both directions, at 2 weeks and he held his head up with no real wobble at a week(see first pic). He didnt sit up til 9 months. He didnt walk til after he was a year and he refused to give up his bottle, even for a sippy cup, til 18 months when he decided he was done and drank straight from a cup from that point on. He wouldnt talk except in his own sweet language til after he was 2, not even a mama or dada, although he completely understood what we said or what we asked of him. He was just satisfied talking his own talk. He still isnt potty trained and as horrid as that is(and trust me I hate it) there isnt anything physically wrong with him, he's just lazy and wont do it til he's darn good and ready...like he has all his life.

He is also the most kind and giving person you'll meet. He sees you upset and he does what he can to bring the smile or laugh back to your face. One time, when he was a bit over 2, his big brother got in trouble and didnt get cookies for snack. He was crying and upset so Av went over and handed him one of his 2 cookies just so his big brother would stop crying and feeling sad. That is just who Av is.

He's a charmer, could charm a snake back into the ground with a flash of his devilishly sweet smile. Cant ever stay mad at him even if you want to.

Its just who he is and Im proud to be his mommy and proud he is part of our family...making our day brighter and being a good brother(most days)to his big and little brothers.

Happy #5 my AveryDoodle...glad it was a good one!

Cart Before Horse, Zones, and Other Such Goings On

So since my last update a few things have changed.

Dans about ready to end chemo it looks like. Everytime they give him the drugs his platelet count(as well as the white and red cell count)go down. And its taking longer and longer for it to recover, used to take a week and now takes like 3 weeks to get back up to a decent level. Not even a great level just a decent one.

So at our last visit(nearly 3 weeks ago)we were told he'd probably end up on a chemo pill. Near as I can find its really a maintenance pill to prolong and hold the cancer steady for as long as possible. So its kind of the end of the road treatment-wise. Dans already in that zone while Im waiting to see if the doctor, for sure, is gonna do this. Dan thinks Im not accepting that this is the end and now its just wait for the end to come be it a few months or years, etc.

Ive accepted that the end will come but I dont like saying things are gonna happen when the doctors change their mind everytime we go in. So Id rather wait til the 8th(next appt)and see what he says or does then go from there. To me its like putting the cart before the horse but Dans already in the zone and you cant explain yourself once he's there.

Boys are doing alright, they really dont get any of this even tho they know daddy is very sick. Dan tried to explain it to our oldest(he's 7) and thinks he got it but I dont think so. It doesnt really matter, these are subjects that are mentioned and talked about quite often and we dont hide the kids in their room while they are being discussed so they are bound to catch on and we'll talk to them more specifically and answer any of their questions as they come up.

Dan is getting new scans done this morning so we'll know exactly where the cancer is and all that jazz by the time we get to the doctors next week too. He's hurting so much in the abdomen we are both concerned its spreading since chemo has been so screwy and non-existent(basically).

Not much else really going on. Trying to save up to move in September but Im still holding my breath on that one too.

Kids are being ok. They get bored and they are just super active all the time always wanting to do, do, and do some more. I feel bad that the construction and other things hinder their outside activity. We dont really have a backyard as this is an apartment but we could do more walking and such if it werent for construction all over the place making it unsafe.

Guess thats about it for now. Think I caught everyone up to date!

ttfn...

Hello Again

I havent updated in a while and I will do that in the next couple of days.

I just wanted to let those know, who are reading this, that Im going to be talking about more than just the cancer journey. My life is a myriad of things and Ive decided I need to let it out...the good and bad. So Im going to blog about it.

Im also gonna try and be one of those cool bloggers who adds recipes or thoughts of the day,etc. Whatever speaks to me that day.

So, with that expect a few changes(including a new title) and away we go...

Last Appt with Twitty Doctor

So on the 30th we had our last appointment with the twitty doctor. He just kept yapping about numbers being the same(platelet count that is) and Dan not really having anything so he'll do a couple more chemo sessions and then let it go for 3 mths or so and then at that point do more scans to see if there is a change,etc.

Im SOOOOOOOOOOOO glad we dont have to deal with him again. Even if the new doctor says the same things if he can at least say it in a kind and non-freak out on ya way that will be helpful and better. Tired of a doctor who treats us like morons and keeps changing his thoughts every other sentance. I want a consistant, caring doctor and I dont think its too much to ask for and neither does Dan.

So Dan did get chemo, first time in nearly 6 wks, and its killing him. He was so tired(typical) yesterday after we got home and then was having chest pains(not cool) and today he's spent all day in our room cuz he's felt flu-like and feverish(can be typical reaction to chemo). Most of this is pretty typical especially since he's not had it in so long. Poor guy, wish I could take some of the pain and ick away even if only for a short while.

So thats where we are at. Next Wednesday is a new doctor and hopefully the start of a new "day" where we can understand the doctor and he understand us and we can work together to get this tended to.

I realize Dan probably wont survive this but that doesnt mean we give up or stay with a doctor who is a twit. Nope we will go down fighting!

*and I want to say a special thank you to those who have read this and commented and those who have supported us in other ways. I appreciate knowing we are thought about and loved and wished well*

Update 3/21/11

Dan had new scans done on the 7th/8th of this month. Here is what the doctor said about them(even tho we had the results ourselves days before we saw him).

Dr says his spleen is enlarged but they'll watch it, no biggie(uhhh ya it is). Dr said the 7mm mention of the tumor size isnt right. He says the tumor is really miniscule and basically Dan is in remission but they'll keep working at it. Dr now says Dan isnt necessarily gonna die but he cant predict the future noone can(well duh!) but at the same time he says Dans got a 9-13 mth life expectancy WITH treatment(even tho at the start of this all he told Dan that number was 22-24 mths). The dr just kept changing his tune at every corner.

The report says his liver tumor is stable...no shrinkage nor growth. Dr says that means its too small and more like remission. Yet when I said "so its not grown nor shrunk that means remission?" he jumped my ass(literally jumped down my throat)and went off about scan guys not reading them right and that he didnt say it was in remission just stable. So I said again "so the non growth/non shrink is a good thing and its stable so we can proceed" he jumped on me again about misunderstanding him.

The guy is an ass and Im so glad we get a new dr next month!! He spent an hour with us arguing but at every turn he changed his tune. Anything to make himself look smart and everyone else look dumb.

Dans got fatty deposits in his liver but, according to the dr, everyone does so its no big deal. We could go without chemo or we could do it if Dan wants.

So more time without chemo(that makes it a month w/o). We go back on the 30th.

Im so drained from that doctors room of gloom and doom(seriously between the two of them going at it thats what the air in the room felt like)...I cant even begin to tell you how exhausted I feel and angry and sad and how ANGRY beyond words Dan is.

Here is what I know for sure....

*Dans tumor, according to scans, is still visible and there. NOT miniscule in size.

*The tumor is stable...no growth and no shrinkage. Thats good and bad.

*Dans spleen has "significantly" enlarged since the scans in December. Nothing but watching can be done but he must be a bit more careful since you cant do anything about it really.

*There are fatty tissues in the liver that werent there in the December scan.

*Im freakin' exhausted in every way possible.



Thats the update...for now.

An Update...Some Review, Some Not

Dans been in and out of the hospital since November(4 or 5 times total and more will happen). His blood count and platelet count just wont cooperate. Everytime he does chemo it kills his numbers. That is to be expected but not to the degree that it makes it impossible for him to do treatment the next week. So he's been having a lot of "off" weeks which isnt good for the destruction of the cancer.




He'll have new scans done next month to see the tumors' progress. We are concerned cuz of new developments with his liver pushing out a bit and a new, sore lump under his jaw in the lymph node area.



Im still giving him the shot to force his bone marrow to produce white cells, almost every day. He is also now getting a shot done every other week at the drs(during his chemo time)to force the marrow to produce red blood cells.



His doctor is a twit. He said on Wednesday that their goal, since Dan is in stage 4, is to prolong his life with a decent quality to living, and keep the tumors down. No talk of actually KILLING/DESTROYING the stuff just basically maintaining and prolonging. Utterly ridiculous!!!!!!!



I cant wait to move cuz hopefully we'll find doctors who give out hope and positiveness.



I also learned Dan was giving life expectancy numbers when this all started, he just never told me. With treatment(since he chose that route)he was given 22-24 months.



That was good to hear but deflated me a bit.

Still gonna go on fighting and keeping the positive and hope alive. Not gonna give up...neither of us are.



But its been very, very hard. And we have an additional person in the house now so its been even more stressful(on me at least, Dan loves it). So thats been an adjustment.

My emotions are all over the place over everything anymore.



But thats really where we are at. Fighting, dealing with Dans body not cooperating and a doctor who could really care less and lifes daily, regular struggles.

BuBye 2010

I cant say Ill miss ya, cuz I wont. I never miss the years...they go too quickly to miss for me anymore.

Let me tell you what 2010 meant to me...

End of my normal and reassurance that kindness does exist, thats what it meant to me.

In the beginning of the year we struggled financially but held our own as Dan tried to find work(as did I)with no results.
Then we lost income and on the verge of losing our home we found out about the cancer. Then we lost the house cuz we couldnt afford rent anymore.

I found out that my online friends are amazing and that I had friends I didnt even know I had and was blessed to have each and every one of them.

Then it was living hither and thither until September when we finally got SSI turned in and approved and into a state and then gov't(HUD) run program that helped us get into a place(2 bdrm apt)to live for the next year. Through this HUD program we have been blessed beyond words by strangers who have given of themselves and their time and money to make my boys happy(and in turn me and Dan). The blessings are too much to repay but they will be paid forward as we begin giving to others as best we can cuz we love doing it and havent been able to this past year but we will in 2011 come hell or high water!

Dan started chemo and his health went into the toilet. He's been in the hospital 3 times since November to have blood and plasma transfusions. His personality has shifted into PMSville(never know what you are gonna get). He's tired ALL the time and sleeps most of every day. He's hurting and you can hear it while he sleeps cuz of the moans and groans and wimpers and crys. He now has fire burning in both legs and numbness on the surface of both legs. This is either due to his already wrecked and needing surgery back or the new med he's on for keeping his red blood cells up.

So, he could end up in a wheelchair before too long if this keeps up. He doesnt remember for more than 5 mins a lot of the time and sometimes he isnt sure of the day or where he is, etc. Sometimes he seems to talk about things I havent a clue about or what he means,etc yet he thinks it pertains to the current conversation.

This is not easy. I miss our old normal but life has slowly shifted to the new normal and although its hard and heart breaking we will survive and we will get through all of this better and stronger.

Now onto 2011....
This year will be the year we beat his cancer! It will be the year we move out of Vegas and up to Utah to be in a calm place near friends and relatives. It is the year of spiritual strengthening.

So there is the update. Same ole, same ole. Tuesday he gets his two chemo meds and will be very tired for several days afterwards.

This year we reunited Dan with his old friend and they are enjoying each others company and I hope that remains cuz they both could use a friend right now. This is the year we say goodbye to Dans brother who lived closest to us because they've decided to cut themselves out of our lives since we cant help them any longer. Good bye, good riddence, and sorry you suck as human beings. I hope you find your way and somehow you find happiness cuz being the selfish twits you are cant give you too much of it....please find it!

The End...