Saturday, August 7, 2010

Not Defined By A Negative

There is so much to say and so many thoughts rambling in my soul and my brain that I figured I needed to write it down. Hopefully it will calm not only myself but perhaps others in similar situations.
Dans health has been on the decline for a long while now. Started with his back and then a couple weeks ago they found a shadow on his chest xray. So the drs ordered a CT scan and found numerous small tumors throughout both lungs and big ones in his lymph nodes(in lung area). They also found a lesion in his liver. They didnt think the two were related. They ordered an MRI to be sure of what the tumors were.

Once the MRI was done they still had no idea on the small tumors in his lungs because they were too small for the MRI to get a good pic of. However, the lesion they thought was nothing serious turned out to be cancerous. When he had the CT it was about 8mm(think thats what it said)but a week later at the MRI it was 3 inches by 3 inches so it had grown quite a bit.

Next week he will have a biopsy to confirm the cancer and see how bad off it is,etc. They are also gonna send him a letter with an appt for a pulminologist to see what the tumors are in his lungs. This Saturday(6/12)he will have a bone scan to see how bad off his back is. See during the MRI they found he had nerve closure and two of his vertebrae were basically bone on bone, the disc sac was gone. So his back is even worse then before and they are gonna do a bone scan to see how his bone density is and all that jazz. He's also getting another spine xray done today.

So this is where we are at. Both Dans parents died relatively young(mom-53, dad-mid 60's)from various cancers so it runs heavily in his family. He already feels like its serious enough he wont be here much longer.

I hope to high heaven he's wrong but he hasnt been so far and that scares me. I have this calm deep within me and I dont know why or where its coming from but its there.

Dont get me wrong, doesnt mean Im not terrified because I am, but for some reason there is a calmness or stillness within my soul that all will be well no matter what actually goes down.

Our adventure together is not over and even if his spirit leaves this world our adventure will continue. We have 3 sons together, that doesnt just stop cuz one parent is gone. He will always be a part of our lives and thoughts and actions.

Fears are a natural part of life, just like breathing is. Fears are important because without them we wouldnt understand or recognize strength.

I know this and find solice in that because I know there is always going to be a positive coming from a negative.

I have these fears that seem silly and worthless in the face of unknowns but are there nonetheless so I face them.

*I worry that I will end up living with my mother and I absolutely cant do that!
*I worry that Ill never have sex again. Now isnt it silly that I worry about that when it should be the last on my list of worries? I worry I wont find that intimacy again and I worry that I wont have it much longer as this illness finds its way through my husbands system.
*I worry that Ill be a widow before age 40 and be raising 3 small boys all alone.
*I worry because I count on Dan for answers about boys and how they act and perhaps why they act as they do cuz I grew up with sisters so my family certainly cant help in many ways. Generalizations sure but not boy specific things cuz they dont know.
*I worry and actually feel a bit guilty about not knowing how to tie a tie so I wont be able to teach my sons how to.
*I worry about people saying "told you so" or "this is what happens when you dont live a Christian life". I dont want nor need that but I feel it coming and I know some will think it even if they are smart enough not to say it to my face. I KNOW my family is thinking all the trials Dan and I are facing are because we left the LDS church.
*I worry about doing Dans final getting death certificates,etc.

See, these are some of the thoughts that cloud my thinking, silly yet probably pretty darn normal. I even plan on taking notes from Dan after we get the final diagnosis on whats up. That way I will know how to do certain things when the time comes or at least have an idea.

Dans one of the smartest people I know and I value his input. I plan on having him write a journal as well about his feelings on things going on. Not to mention I want him to do one so his boys have a record of his life experiences and something in his handwriting.

So much coming our way and all the while we have to worry about stinkin' money cuz neither of us can get work and we are just about out of unemployment and such. No answers, just lots of unanswered questions and worries.

I know someday the clouds will part but its hard to see that when they seem to only get thicker and thicker.

No, its not fair...but nothing in life is and nothing in life should be fair. How are we to learn and grow if everything was fair?

We cant, its that simple(to me anyway). What can we learn from any given situation? What strength and knowledge are we gaining by going through the mud? What beautiful pearl is waiting for us under that mud? I dont know but I intend to find out.

I appreciate all the good thoughts and prayers coming our way. Strength is gained daily because of it and it will never be dismissed or poo-poo'd.

For now, Im gonna stop. I cant think of anything else to say but know there will be more of these as thoughts and fears and bright spots cross my path.

1 comment:

  1. Very expressive, Hillary. I am glad you are writing your emotions.